Note: All names and identifying information have been changed.

The Lure of the Net

Charles Dobson interviewed Ted Bundy shortly before his execution, asking him about the beginnings of his problems of violence toward women (he was convicted of raping and murdering several women in the 70’s). Bundy reported that his problems started to escalate rapidly when he began using pornography.

According to several sources, all mass murderers began with pornography. Of course this doesn’t mean that everyone who uses porn will turn into a mass murderer or rapist. However, I find it interesting to note that in recent history all the mass murderers have been addicted to pornography.

Sex addiction, in which someone has lost his or her ability to control sexual behavior, has another facet. That is, the person continually needs more excitement or stimulation to produce the same effects they once got with porn. If he started with internet porn, at some point in time, it doesn’t thrill him anymore. So he has to raise the bar and “progress” to a different form of sexual stimulation to get the same rush. This often leads to massage parlors (which sometimes sell more than massages), phone sex, hard core porn use, and solicitation of prostitutes.

The men arrested in porn shops (usually for masturbation/exhibitionism), massage parlors, and prostitution stings are often professionals who are highly respected in their communities. Many are executives for successful companies, and the nicest guys you ever met. They are ultimate people pleasers, and in trying to please everyone, they are able to move up the corporate ladder. At the same time, they are stuffing their true feelings deeply, which makes them need a release for this built-up stress. This makes such men extremely prone to turn to sex addiction.

Another quality of sex addicts is that they are the best liars of all, and will usually admit it when they are in treatment. Since there are no tell-tell signs for this addiction (unlike alcohol and drug addicts, which often are detected by loved ones through dilated pupils or alcohol on the breath) they will lie and say they are not using porn when they are. The problem of sex addiction will only get worse without treatment, and usually wives are in denial and can’t imagine their “successful” husbands could possibly be living double lives.

Sex addicts will almost never change unless they are at risk of losing something very important to them, such as their wives, children, or jobs. By enabling your spouse and covering for him (i.e. paying the bills when the money seems to be disappearing, probably due to his addiction) he will only get worse.

Contact a qualified counselor if you are concerned about your spouse’s sexual behaviors, including porn use, affairs, chat rooms, emails, having a “wandering eye”, etc. You cannot control anyone, but by your changes and education, you can disrupt the equilibrium so that, like a baby’s crib mobile, one character moves and the others have to change to bring about balance.

Helping spouses of pornography/sex addiction is one of my specialties.