Note: All names and identifying information have been changed.

The Three C’s For The Spouse of a Sex Addict

The spouse has to remember that she (or he) didn’t cause the addiction, cannot cure it, but can contribute to it. The cause is complex, often including issues with his own father—namely, that he never gave his son the important gift that children need from their parents: the message : “I am so proud of you.” Another cause has its roots in sexual abuse. Usually men say, “Oh no, I was never abused.” But when I delve into their stories, they reveal that somewhere along their lives, they experienced something that was inappropriate for a child their age. Perhaps they were exposed to porn, or they stumbled upon an older cousin as she was undressing because the door wasn’t closed. Unfortunately, even these sorts of events can be a catalyst for the start of an addiction. Especially if the father is absent either physically or emotionally. Another interesting cause is the personality trait of people-pleasing. Often the addict is charming and the nicest guy you’ve ever met. He lives a double life, and you would never guess in a million years that he is a sex addict. Until he can learn to express his true feelings in the moment (this is taught in therapy) and he sheds his people pleasing habits, he will most likely not get a grip on his addiction.